Are we inadvertently showing people how to treat us in a negative way?
I think that the many of us are.
I read this article from PR Daily called “25 things young professionals must know before 25”.
When I got to the seventh point, to unplug, I stopped, cringed, and realized that what I do on a daily basis may be showing people, subconsciously, what they can get away with. Then, I get frustrated with them.
In the name of self awareness, I forced myself to think about all of the ways that I do this when I was driving home.
Be Demanding
Sometimes, when I’m with somebody socially, I’ll still answer my phone when somebody needs something from me. I’ll answer non-personal email on my spare time instead of waiting until the time I put aside for these things (ie work time). Then, I wonder why people demand that I answer them right away, when really it’s my fault for answering previously.
This is just teaching those people to be demanding of me; they learned through my own demonstration, that if they leave things until the last moment and then jump on me for them when I shouldn’t even be working, I would do them.
Obviously, I don’t want to live my life like this, but I was demonstrating that this is an okay way to conduct work with me by fulfilling those requests.
I have another colleague who gives her coworkers timelines by which they must complete work in order to pass it on to her. If they don’t do it in the timelines, the work has to wait until the next cycle or day. Nobody challenges it or bugs her last minute to do things, because she has demonstrated to them that she doesn’t work that way.
Rewarding Bad Behaviour
As a pet parent (yes, I just called myself a pet parent), I try to train my dogs to calm herself down and not freak out and bark every time somebody walks by or when she wants something. When she barks at the door, I try the Cesar Milan method by staying calm-assertive and correcting her behaviour.
But then, when playing with my dog, I think it’s hilarious when she barks and growls at me, and being as ridiculous as I am, I do it back to her.
She’s a dog. She doesn’t understand that it’s only okay to bark in some situations. She doesn’t distinguish between barking because she’s excited because she’s playing, and barking because she is excited because somebody is at the door.
By playing with my dog while she is barking, I am rewarding the very behavior that I want to stop.
Playing Games
When we engage in people’s games – like competitions for promotions or sucking up to the boss to make each other look bad – we’re teaching them that we’re okay with those games and that we want to engage in them. Is that the message that we really want to send? Probably not.
Going back to the dog example ( I have a theory that humans and dogs aren’t as different as we all would like to think ), when I give her a bone to distract her from being excited for whatever reason, I’m playing at her game – I’m rewarding her behaviour by engaging in it.
At work, if we get competitive with that annoying coworker, we’re playing his game and showing him that that’s the type of thing that we want to engage in, even if it’s not.
We show people how to treat us, even if it’s subconsciously. Think about it – how are you supporting the unwanted behaviour of others?
Believe it or not, blue collar dudes can be gossips on the job. I’ll be roofing with a couple guys and all their talking about is what some other dude did or what the boss said… not always, but often enough that I feel comfy calling men gossips too. I do’nt like it, I think it sucks, I think we could spend our time talking about other important stuff… like my football team or the best way to coach my girl’s softball team… like your last point here, when they get talking like they do, I just don’t get involved. I do’nt say anything bad about the boss or what other dudes are doing or who is stealing who’s tools…I just do my work. Over time, when dudes do jobs with me, they talk less about gossip crap and more about important stuff. So I think it works a little.
I try to set an example of how I want to be treated by not taking my laptop home with me like many others do and by leaving at as close to my 8 hours as possible. I get all of my work done in an efficient timely manner by or before deadlines so I see no reason to put in long hours just for face time and my bosses agree.
Great point on not playing peoples games. When you join in on it, it will just signal to them that you’ve got not problem playing games either. This can be especially true with those that can be negative in the workplace. That negativity can be very contagious, and if you join in they’ll assume you have the same feelings and will come back to you in the future. I try to associate with more positive co-workers to help combat that.
I’ve definitely been guilty of this in the past. I may have bitched a bit that I didn’t like when it was done that way, but in the end I still followed through and did what was asked. Unfortunately it was usually directions coming from the boss. So there wasn’t a whole lot that could be done unless I wanted to risk my job and get on the boss’s bad side. My current boss tried something like this, but I simply told him that I wouldn’t be able to work late and that it would have to wait until tomorrow.
These are some great points and ones that I’m aware of when dealing with my clients. I have a few people that will send me multiple emails in a day, and after responding to the first few rather quickly, I intentionally wait a day or so before I respond to their final one.
Also, if somebody wants to demand a meeting from me with short notice, I typically counter with a time that would better work for me (even if I was available to meet in that short notice). It’s all about managing people and their expectations. If they think you’re always available, then they’ll push you around. I do my best to make sure I control all of my clients. 🙂
Ugh. I’m a bad pet parent too, and am constantly giving my dog mixed signals. Your post reminded me of how I need to be stronger, or else i”m going to have to shell out extra $$ for obedience school.
I think you need to set clear expectations early at jobs. My boss is a night owl and loves calling people in the middle of the night – but before I got hired I told him I don’t answer the phone after 9pm. Flat out. I have stuck to that and he respects it.
Other people have let him call them at all hours of the night and he continues to do so because that’s the precedent they have set. Even thought they’re unhappy with the situation, they can’t really change it now, so they’re stuck!
This is all so true. I admit that I have answered work emails at midnight before. I definitely let people take advantage of me.
I had a boss at one point who constantly asked me to come in on Saturdays and work late (I didn’t typically work late or work weekends). Every time he asked I just said “No.” Just like that… “Hey, can you come in on Saturday to blah blah blah.. ” Veronica: “No.” It didn’t stop him from asking every now and then but it didn’t stop me from saying NO every time lol. Eventually he gave up bothering – probably figured I wasn’t going to be his puppet.
We really do have to condition those around us and set our limits, otherwise they will be abused over and over. I have to say no A LOT just so i can have some time with my family. I stopped feeling bad about it, and it has worked out nicely for us. 🙂
Very well said, young lady. You get what you put out!
Great point, and I am definitely guilty of checking my email from home. In reality, I should be defending my time away from the office as time AWAY from the office!
I’m HORRIBLE about teaching my clients to push me around and treat me like crap. This article made me hang my head in shame because I know I do it, yet I keep doing it. It’s got to stop!
I’ll be happy to have a talk with them if you’d like?
Mhm good points, and that’s something I realized at my first job too. You’ve got to act in a way that shows your co-workers how you want to be treated, and sometimes you need to say no (something I’m bad at). Great post!
I am totally guilty of this. It took me a long time to figure my actions dictate what others expect of me rather than my words. I would say that I won’t reply during the weekends but I do that anyway. So it ended being a lose-lose situation for me 1) I ended up working on the weekends anyway 2) as I keep telling people I won’t work on the weekends it didn’t reach my manager’s manager that I am hard working. Only my manager knew and he didn’t bother to share come appraisal time. You would think I learned my lesson. I still don’t know how to say no.
We do that all the time at work. If a patient is being snotty and demanding, we usually do whatever just to get rid of them. In a sense, the get what they want because of acting like a baby and we enable them. I think we are afraid of making someone mad or in our case of losing a client. Really it would be better to “fire” those patients, but it’s hard to do sometimes.
As Cesar Millan would say: Rules, boundaries and limitations! If you don’t set them clearly with people, they will be ignored, plain and simple. Good post!
Yep I have a general rule with people, especially children and animals. I don’t reward what I deem negative behaviour. If for example a child keeps pestering for something, I won’t give it to them to shut them up. I know that next time they will do it even more, as they know it is a tactic that will work. I always say it is ok to ask for anything, but accept my answer, whether it is yes or no. I won’t be hassled into changing my mind as to do so implies that it is OK to pester.
Excellent article and points. I’m one of those who check my emails at home as well but it’s so hard sometimes not to do it when you’re waiting on answers. I’m also one of those people who dislike a last minute project that is due RIGHT NOW! but will still generally get it done on time. If I made it clear that I need time to work on something, and kept to that, I’d probably stop getting as many requests!
I totally agree. One thing I hate is when people start talking to me before I am able to give them my attention. People shouldn’t assume that they are my #1 priority. So I always make a point of saying, “Sorry, I wasn’t listening yet. Could you say that again?”
You make a very important point and it applies to all of our personal relationships as well, which many people don’t think about. When my husband and I first met, he had a habit of freezing me out if I said something that ticked him off. I told him that I wouldn’t put up with that, and I haven’t. If I had he might still be doing it 8 years later.
As a teacher I struggle with this constantly. There is this weird circle of guilt that you can get into as a teacher where no matter how much work you put in there is always something else you could be doing to be a better teacher. Also, compared to parents, students, and school boards, being firm and setting a precedent with my principal is easy. Parents will absolutely take 101 inches for every inch you give. It is by far the most trying part of the job. Since I live in a small town it is not uncommon for parents to approach you in a grocery store or even knock on your door! Apparently some people believe this is part of the job…