Being the mega-feminist I am (and that you should be too), I expect equality in my relationship. I live with my boyfriend, and have lived with him for well over five years now. At first, it was domestic bliss. I would regularly come home to dinner on the table and a spotless apartment.
Fast forward three years, and I am still pretty lucky, but he hasn’t cooked for me in at least two years, and the house is constantly messy.
My boyfriend’s mom was a stay at home parent for his whole life, and did most of the household chores while the kids were in school. As a result, he wasn’t responsible for much in the way of contributing to the home. He doesn’t completely understand that you can’t just flake out of sweeping because you don’t care if the floor is dirty.
Now, I can understand, in some cases, that it can be fair if one person does the majority of the housework. If one partner stays at home, maintaining a lot of the household (though not the entire thing) becomes their job. However, reality is not such that many people can stay at home these days raising children, nor do many people particularly want to. My lifestyle does not support gender stereotypes.
In fact, since boyfriend is neither a student nor a professional (he’s in trades), and he works a 4 minute
drive from home, true equality would be if he did almost all of the cooking and almost all of the cleaning. But life doesn’t work like that.
Domestic equality is super important, because inequality creates resentment and burn-out. A couple of weeks ago, I was so.fed.up. I came home every day to a crazy mess in the kitchen, which I either had to let pile up, or had to do the work at midnight when homework was waiting. There was dust everywhere, and laundry (albeit clean) taking over half of the bed.
So I stewed. And I brooded. And I plotted. And I confronted boyfriend with a plan. I wanted to make a chore schedule.
This, of course, created a huge fight. Why should boyfriend have to do chores that he doesn’t care gets done? (Yes, this was his argument. He said he didn’t mind washing his hands in a dirty sink – since I did, I should have to clean
it). He said that it was unfair that just because I was so busy, he had to do more chores, and that I expected us to split household chores evenly.
But when I really sat him down and talked to him about it – showed him all the things that he had never even came near with a scrub brush which stayed clean (because of me), and showed him how much work it was, he came around.
He admitted that it wasn’t equal, which wasn’t fair. So we set out to make a chore list.
We first listed all of the things that needed to get done, and categorized them as things that need to get done daily (dishes, garbage, tidying), things that need to get done weekly (vacuuming, bathroom being cleaned, windexing, dusting), things that need to get done bi-weekly, monthly (fridge cleaned, walls wiped down), etc.
We then made a schedule where we alternated every chore. Things that he likes to do, he can do every time, and trade it for things that I like to do. I don’t mind vacuuming and mopping, and he doesn’t mind taking out the garbage. Since the prior is something done every week, and the latter is something done every day, the trade worked out great.
We wrote this all out, and I got his input – I made sure he was a big part of the process – and so far, it’s been a breeze.
We have all week to do our weekly chores. As long as they’re done by Sunday, it’s all good. There hasn’t been any fighting or frustration because we both know what is expected of us. It’s working great, though it’s only been two weeks. Although I might leave him for this guy.
Have you ever created a chore schedule? Do you struggle with domestic equality?
Has your bf ever lived alone? I’m asking because I feel like your bf! I’ve always lived with my parents (mom did all the cleaning), or with roommatse (only 1 room and limited other stuff to clean), before moving in with the bf. The cleanliness was a huge issue when we lived together, and he was really frustrated with my blaseness with leaving messes around. He always said that if I lived on my own, I’d truly appreciate what it takes to keep a clean place, and learn to mind my own mess. Since he bought his own place and I now live in my own partment, I have to say that it’s very true! It wasn’t that I was creating messes on purpose before, but I think I would often leave things unwashed, dirty, messy subconsciously, and not even notice when they got “magically” cleaned…
Glad your cleaning schedule is working out. btw your mother-in-law sounds like a nut job! cigarrets and beer all day? lol
Not really! He lived alone for a couple of months before I moved in with him, but even then, I was always there and we were in our “honeymoon” stage of the relationship so everything looked pretty clean. That sounds a lot like him. I think he really needed me to list all of the chores that get done (and not by him!) because some of them he didn’t even know needed to be done.
She is definitely a nut job!
Although I hate to do any housework, BF and I managed to come to a compromise. He will take care of all the fix ups and yard work (mowing lawn), cleaning the gutters (EWWW), taking out the garbage and recycling and making sure the whole house is working in great order… while I do chores like: emptying the dishwasher, cook lunch & dinner (sometimes he’ll take care of it if i am too busy), swift and mop floors, laundry….clean tables, bathrooms… …
I do help him rake up moss or leaves…outside.. that’s about it 🙂
so far it’s working out great! 🙂
Ahh yes, you guys have a yard, don’t you? I don’t know what we’ll do when we have an actual house. Although I like the exercise raking/mowing gives me so maybe we’ll alternate that too. Sounds like you have a good balance!
I’m moving in with Mr. Dollars in August 2012 (I’m a planner!) and I’m nervous that things I care about being clean will be things he won’t care about. I am willing to tone down my level of cleanliness required (because I am a little neurotic about it), and he’s willing to come up a level in his cleanliness (he lives with a roommate and they don’t keep a very tidy apartment), but I’m a stewer like you and I’m worried!
That being said though, your post is giving me hope 🙂
If I could give you a piece of advice before you move in? Something I wish I’d done before boyfriend & I decided to co-habitate – sit down together and write down all of the chores that need to get done. Then each of you rate the ones that are the most important to the least important to you – and then rate the ones you hate doing and the ones you don’t mind doing. Compare, and come up with a compromise situation. Then there’s no surprises!
I do most of the cleaning. I freely admit it, unfeminist as that sounds.
T never lived alone before me, and I don’t think he did much housework growing up – his family are not exactly clean freaks shall we say, so it’s not really a gender thing, just a family thing.
We split cooking pretty evenly (sometimes he does more, as he’s a far better cook). I do all the dishes. I take care of the oven, and I usually do the bathroom, sweep and most of the laundry. He’s on vacuuming, rubbish duties, mopping the floors. Far from equitable.
Why? Because our standards of cleanliness are different. I also do a better job of cleaning, and nagging, quite frankly, sucks. It might sound like I’m giving in, and I suppose in a way I am, but this is finally more or less working for us. Doing the same chores every week is easier for us than rotating (I also like to do all my chores on the weekend, so we have a totally clean house for at least a few days before it all goes downhill during the week).
Different things work for different people 🙂 I have a much higher standard than my boyfriend too, but I’m stubborn. He has to bring his standard up to mine, ha! You’re right, nagging does suck.
I always lived with family before I moved in with Rambo and had all these delusions about decorating and cooking and being a , well not a house wife but a domestic goddess. At first, I did do a lot of the cleaning and cooking because I wasn’t paying a lot in living expenses and Rambo said that was a way I could kind of earn my keep. Although, ahem, I’m not very domestic at all. That plan went bottoms up last year and now we both clean although cooking is kind of a toss up. We eat very differently and cooking kind of means for one unless I want multiple leftovers. I like leftovers but wowza.
That’s funny! I did, too. I wanted to be the girl that had it all – a job, a clean house, awesome cooking skills, etc. But that just isn’t real life.
Whether or not someone lived alone prior to living with a partner is key, I think. Mr. Red lived on his own for 10 years before we even met. He had roommates, but he was the clean one of the bunch.
When we first moved in together, we still had a conversation about who would be responsible for what. It takes the pressure off, even though Mr. Red is able to use the Roomba for his biggest chore (which means he pushes a button and cleans it out when it’s done). Since he’s an unemployed student while I work full-time and take the same number of classes as he does, he took over the lawn responsibilities this summer.
It’s all about communication.
BF and I had a HUGE fight too, I was doing most of the cooking (which I don’t really mind because he sucks at cooking), and dishwashing.
BF does the dishwashing (we alternate), he does the laundry, and we both get together on the weekends to do a whole house clean.
I found that I was more cranky at him when I was working full time. Now that I’m part time and home 5 days a week (doing school), we are both pretty happy.