I am not only a young woman in the corporate environment, but I am also a recruiter and a student of feminism and success.
What this means, is that I spend a lot of time in my day job screening people out of opportunities that they have expressed interest in, and a lot of time in my spare time studying exactly what it is that is holding so many of us back.
I don’t believe that the cause of women’s issues lands squarely on women’s shoulders, but I do think that we have to take responsibility for some (if not many) of the things that limit us in the workplace and in our relationships.
Often, our behaviours is what hinders our potential, security, and success. Our behaviours can hold us back from getting that promotion (even if we earned it), getting the recognition we deserve, and getting what we want.
These are behaviours that I see over and over again with women of all ages, but particularly of the millennial generation. I struggle with them too. We need to learn to get past these four deadly sins.
Lack Confidence – And Show It
We’re all a little unsure of ourselves at times. Some days, we don’t wake up feeling like Superwoman.
Whether we feel that we bit off more than we can chew, or we’re just having an off day, lacking confidence in ourselves is a huge barrier to our own success. There’s a difference between lacking confidence outwardly, and strategically hiding our doubts.
Have you ever met somebody who just seems so sure of themselves? They do things with such ease and confidence, things that you would be shaking in your boots to do? Like those people who go up on stage in front of 500 people and carry out a presentation or speech effortlessly, without even a single stutter?
They’re nervous. They are not 100% confident in their ability to deliver that speech, despite their calm demeanour.
Fake it until you make it. Practice your “I know what I’m doing” attitude in the mirror, whether you are starting an internship or your on the first day at the job, or whether you’re trying to not make an ass out of yourself in front of your new boss. It’s an attitude that comes with practice, and you need to know how to fake it so people can take you seriously and you can get ahead.
Use Language That Minimizes Your Contributions and Achievements
Which sentence sounds better, more professional, like it’s coming from somebody who you would respect and take seriously?:
“I’m not sure if I’m on the right track but I actually just thought I’d take a second to see whether this statement in the report is right? I just thought it happened differently.”
“I noticed that this statement in the report is mis-worded. It supposedly happened differently”.
I don’t know about you, but I think the first one is a statement from a person just begging you not to take them seriously. You “just” wanted to do something? Is it that minor? You “actually” thought? Is it a surprise that you were thinking and analyzing the report?
There are a lot of things wrong with the first statement, and it minimizes the person’s contributions. There is a great article on this on Huffington Post.
Let People Put Their Needs/Wants in Front of Your Own
A sure-fire way to make sure nobody takes you seriously is to let people bulldoze you. Women, in general, get a lot of flack for exhibiting the same behaviours that men are respected for. If a woman is direct and firm, she’s described as “bitchy”. If a man is direct and firm, he’s described as “smart” and “powerful”.
We’re all wading shoulder deep in gender stereotypes (including men), so lets start rejecting them and standing up for ourselves.
You’re not a “bitch” if you tell somebody who cut in front of you in a line that they cut in front of you. You’re not being “catty” or “dramatic” if you stand up for yourself if somebody is attacking your idea at work.
On the same note, stop being everybody’s assistant. If you take on assistant type duties (making the coffee, taking your coworkers papers to be filed), you’re single handedly stunting your growth. Studies show that women are more likely to pick up the assistant type tasks, just because they see that it needs to get done and nobody else will do it. STOP. Somebody else will do it. If you don’t, there will be others.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t help people out, but don’t sequester yourself into a role that is not yours.
Don’t Protect Yourself
Here’s the thing. I’m a practical person. I love my boyfriend, but I have seen many, many couples divorce and split up. It’s sad, but it happens. Nobody gets married thinking “Hey, if it doesn’t work out, there’s always divorce!”; but you’ll never meet a successful company that doesn’t have a contingency plan, and you should have one too.
As women, we have a duty to ourselves; we must protect ourselves. I believe that each member of a couple should have their own RRSP, own career (even if one of you has to put it on hold for a short while for children or dream chasing), own car (or method of transportation), and own emergency fund. You may not hold the same beliefs, and that is fine, but if you don’t, then find another way to protect yourself.
I’m simply saying that no matter how in love you are, and no matter how good things are going, protect yourselves. Nobody else is going to watch out for you if anything happens.
It’s sad to see so many women stunt their own growth and undermine their capabilities, even subconsciously.
This is a great post. I always wonder how people can do certain things, and then of course I get jealous. I need to believe in myself more.
Yes! Although I live by the “fake it till you make it” motto; it’s hard to build confidence!
I’m a gent and do agree. I work with (and for) some wonderful and powerful women, who each ooze confidence and skill. If you’re sitting in the cubicle next to a guy remember he didn’t get ahead of you. He is only NEXT to you. There’s no reason to doubt yourself, especially compared to him.
I take that same approach around the office when people tout the “Harvard” grads… my response is “Pretty impressive, for sure, but I have the corner office, so it obviously didn’t get them ahead of me did it?” Nothing like a little passive aggression… They know I’m joking by the example but trying to point out that Ivy is pretty, but it doesn’t make the career.
So true! I guess all of these points apply to men, too.
I agree with pretty much everything that you wrote here, particularly with the notion that women need to be careful not to take on assistant-type duties under the guise of being a team player. It is a pernicious and difficult to defeat type of sexism that expects women to do these things.
I think that even aside from sexism, it makes people rely on you AS the assistant, which hinders your success in more powerful roles.
No, I agree with everything you wrote here. For the first point I don’t think I go with either way, though, if it’s my boss; I will probably aim somewhere in the middle, but it really depends on their personality. With some bosses you can go right out and say “wtf were you smoking?” 😉
You’re right. It definitely does depend on the personality. You have to be adaptable, too!
Love this post! Especially the last point. I think I will always keep most of my assets (especially investments and savings for retirement) just for myself. And I’m going to get a pre-nump made of steel. Seriously, no one is touching my money no matter how much I love them.
Hahaha, I have no money now and probably won’t when I get married either because I hope that’s sooner rather than later, but I think prenups are good just to protect both parties for sure!
Great Post! Self Confidence is everything. In winning business and ‘getting places’ in life, confidence and charisma are everything.
You are right that we need to ‘up-sell’ ourselves. When it comes to job interviews, I’ll bet that it is a common occurrence that the less able and experienced people get the job because they can sell themselves so well 🙂
Thank you! Confidence is so important. I’m noticing that more and more as I begin my career and get out of school. Even at school it’s insanely important!
Agree wholeheartedly. Confidence is key..interviews, work, school, talking to your boss, asking for a raise. If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?!
Love that – I think that even if you’re not sure about something, convincing yourself/others that you can do it is sometimes what pushes us over the edge of being able to accomplish something. I know that if I can convince myself that I can do something, I’m much more successful than if I go in unsure.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. As a father of two young daughters, I want my daughters to instill self-confidence to prove that they can live up to their dreams and aspirations without worrying about who world perceives them for their boldness.
I love this. I’m sure with a parent like you, your daughters will be self confident and bold!
I especially like the tip about language. You should use the right language to convey your ideas clearly. It will make you more confident and people will appreciate your tone.
This is such a great article. I’m naturally introverted and I have had to fake it for years. Now people say how confident I am (but that’s just on the outside). Great article.
Aye, I think these also apply to us men, especially the lacking confidence part. Good relationship advice as always from Ms Vodka 😉
I absolutely love this post ❗ You are spot on with every single tip. Especially liked the ones about lacking confidence and protecting yourself.
Oooohhh I couldn’t agree with you more! Let me just go on about the second and fourth one. The first example you give is called powerless speech, and the second is powerful speech. When people are discussing the two types, many assign powerless speech to women. WTHeck?! Assert yourself. Don’t minimalize yourself. Language is one of the most powerful tools any of us have.
And number four….wow. I just couldn’t agree more. I’d even go so far as to say separate bank accounts. Period.
The problem is, when a woman tries to assert herself at work, she often gets called a nasty 5-letter word that starts with a “B” by her intimidated colleagues. Sometimes I’ve felt like many (men) in the professional world aren’t really equipped to deal with a strong-willed woman. Definitely different standards in the workplace.
Great post! I often go back and forth between self confident and timid, but I’m starting to learn how to stick to the stronger version of myself.
I have to admit that fake it till you make works. I am not a confrontational person but I learned to fake it and stand up for myself. And guess what, it comes naturally now. Loved your post!
Agree! We women tend to put others’ needs above our own. There needs to be more of a balance.
Excellent post. As a father of a young daughter, I want her to grow up confident and able to stand up for herself. Of course, I want my son to be able to do that oo.
Fake it til you make it totally works! At my most recent job, my manager even described me as “confident” in a review. After the favorable review and raise, I went home stoked. No one who’s ever worked with me has any clue how nervous I get before each review, interview, speech, etc. Just walk into the room telling yourself “I am awesome..” 😎
I think “fake it till you make it” is true is so many scenarios. When I was in grad school I sometimes felt intimidated by peers who I thought might be smarter, be from a better undergraduate program etc. Instead of letting that get in my head, I faked confidence and made a point of speaking up during classes (even when I was scared I might get shot down). I think most people have had this experience at some point their lives, but unfortunately I think women tend to doubt themselves more.