I’m not always a pushover. I have the tendency to lean more toward a leadership role more often, but when it comes to somebody who has more of a dominant personality than I do, I let them take charge and make all of the decisions, despite having my own opinions.
It’s a natural reaction that I tend to have, and then I let resentment toward that person bottle up until I have a breakdown, even though it is all my own doing.
So for the past little while, I have been working toward not being a pushover in the face of people who want to .. well, push me over.
It’s been a hard road, and frankly, I do revert back frequently to having no spine in the face of these personalities, but I’m making huge progress which is a big deal for me.
Here’s what I’ve learned about sticking up for yourself, not being a pushover, and getting what you want sometimes:
Teach people how to treat you
I think the first step toward not being a pushover – the first thing that you have to establish before doing any of the following – is to teach people how to treat you. This is hard to do if you are a pushover to begin with.
That’s the thing. I’ve fallen in that trap before; where I’m too much of a pushover to teach people how I want to be treated. But summon a moment of braveness and put people in their place before they trample you.
Speak Loudly
Speaking loudly immediately makes people listen, even if your message isn’t an important one. It draws people’s attention and is a sign of dominance and confidence. Speak loudly to avoid being trampled.
Speak Concisely
This is admittedly hard to do when faced with something intimidating, and I struggle with this around certain people. Speaking concisely is important as it shows confidence, knowledge, and expertise. Being able to relay a message without fluff words or stuttering shows people that they can’t walk all over you, which is extremely important.
Share Your Knowledge
Be confident enough to share your knowledge of a subject. Don’t let people assume that you are in the dark. It’s easier to push people around that are ignorant. You have something to bring to the table too, so be sure to let it show.
Make Excuses
If somebody is trying to push you to do something you don’t want to do, make excuses (ie: I can’t help you move because my mom is in town this weekend). This may not be the piece of advice that you’ll hear often, but it’s a baby step that you can do to show people how to treat you.
If you always agree to do the things that you don’t want to do simply because you are letting people walk all over you, you will set a precedent. Making excuses at least removes you from the situation that you dreading, and they are less likely to try to push you into something next time.
Don’t Get Too Stubborn
Even if you are trying to prove a point, and even if that point is that you won’t let people walk all over you, don’t be the person that never budges from their position. You know people like that, I know people like that, and heck, sometimes I am even that person. But you have to be able to do things that you don’t want to do sometimes to maintain your relationships. There is a fine line between being a doormat and being flexible. Find it.
You’ll get there
If you are trying – really trying – you’ll get there. It isn’t going to happen over night because you have to tear down all of the pre-conceived notions of yourself that you’ve put into other people’s heads. Change is a slow moving thing, and we can’t expect it to happen right away. But keep working at it and you’ll find a balance.
How will you stop being a pushover?
Great roundup of advice Daisy! I especially like ‘teach people how to treat you’. sometimes you just have to be prepared to fall out temporarily and stand up to someone. This always works for me!
Great post! I am very guilty of being a pushover – and finally ended up ending a 20 year “friendship” because I wasn’t willing to be one any more. It still kills me how much crap I was willing to put up with.
I know this is difficult for a lot of people and used to be for me too. What changed was I valued myself and my time at what I am worth and decided to stand up for it. I still may be a push over in a couple areas but I have mostly improved from where I started.
Great post. I’m sadly a doormat. I’m not always but I tend to be a pushover over most things… ~__~;
I’ve gotten better with telling people “no” but I often have the problem of trying to please people. It’s not that I care what they think about it, moreso I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I need to work on that a bit but for the most part I don’t think I’m a pushover.
Definitely speak concisely and keep your volume level up to match the level of the others in the room. Do this and try to speak first, if you’re in a group or a meeting and you want to get your opinion heard, if you wait politely for your turn, it may never come. In a conversation between you and only 1 other person, also if you have an idea, try to take the lead and speak first, it puts you in the front position on whatever your talking about. Take the first step and you’re the leader, if you’re the leader you wont be pushed over.
I think the part about speaking loudly is really true. It’s easy for people to walk all over you if you do something as simple as not speaking loudly enough. When peopel talk quietly, mumble, whisper, or say something under their breath, I always think “whatever” and just push right over whatever their objection was — must not have been that big an objection if they didn’t even say it loud enough for me to hear! Lol, so that’s a GREAT part of this list — when you speak up, speak loud and be heard!
When I first read “make excuses,” I thought….well that’s not very good advice. Then I saw where you were going with that. Generally, I think people who make excuses are the BIGGEST pushovers because they don’t have a spine. In the case you use it, excuses HELP you get a spine.
I honestly think that this is a common reaction when people read anything advocating excuses but I am a realist. If you really are a pushover, you aren’t realistically going to start telling it like it is overnight so making excuses is a baby step. To me, it’s the better of two evils.
So glad you’re sticking with your Quit and obviously learning from it! I’m go glad you gave a progress update! 🙂
I might need to read this again and again until it sinks in. I’ve got a bully friend! A frienemy who is constantly bossing me around. I’ve actually just sort of stopped responding to her altogether. This isn’t any good and I know it, but I’m just a passive person (when it comes to confrontation anyway). I might actually lose her as a friend because I don’t know how to stand up to her without wanting to throw up.
When I was younger I felt like a bit of a doormat just because I guess I always had friends with big personalities. But eventually I started realizing that no one will hear me or listen if I don’t stand up for myself and stop letting them always be the dominant one. Also, I want that doormat.
I’d like to think that I’m a deliberate pushover. Sometimes, things are not worth arguing about. However, when I do have an opinion, I make it known very loudly! I do sometimes need to work on speaking concisely, especially at work.
this is something I’ve been working on for years. i still definitely revert, but I have become much more confident in how I deal with … ummm … “louder” personalities.
Sadly, I am a natural pushover for most things. I remember being a co-op student at one of my work terms, where one of the employees bossed me around constantly and she wasn’t even my boss. The same thing happened again at my first professional job. Another senior employee bossed me around and made me do things that she could have done herself. Since I was new, I just meekly responded yes and agree to every task she gave me, no matter how trivial.
I have become a little bit better at speaking up when things are bothering me. I’ve had to do that twice in my current workplace. I was super nervous, but I was glad I did it and the workplace environment became much better for me because of it.