As J and I plan our wedding, we have noticed and influx of questions about children. At least a handful of my coworkers have asked about the timing of kids after our wedding, and my family has always been curious to know whether or not we’ve thought about children and when we will have them.
This is something that, as an attached, settled couple in their mid and late twenties, comes up a lot.
Neither J nor I have ever been the type of people that didn’t want kids. We have always known that we wanted children. Even when I was single, I knew I wanted kids. Many of my single friends have said that they didn’t want kids, and then changed their minds when they met their partners, but never I.
I Used to Think I Wanted to be a Young(er) Mother
When I was in my early 20s, I always pictured myself having my first baby when I was in my mid to late twenties. I didn’t want to be 35 and having my first child.
My friend and I recently had our tarot cards read, and my cards indicated that I wouldn’t have my first child until 2019. I’ll be 30 by then.
While 30 is not too old, and it’s most certainly not unusual to have children at that age in my generation, I don’t love the thought of starting at 30.
Now, this isn’t a fertility thing for me. The whole infertile-after-32 notion that is being shoved down women’s throats is bogus for most women. Some of the women in my family would not have been able to have children after ~28 years of age, because of an interesting biological challenge that they have had, and while my mom has always been concerned about that for me, I’m not too concerned about it. I am more than okay with adopting if, biologically, it doesn’t work out (or even perhaps if it does).
I want to be able to have more than one or two kids (I have always pictured myself with at least three) and energy, patience, and timeliness (wanting to be able to retire early without children in the house) are all factors when you have children at an older age. J is three years older than me, meaning if we started having kids when I am 30, he will be 33. If we have three kids, spaced ~2 years apart, (assuming that they all move out at 18), the last kid will be out of the house just in time for his early retirement.
We Are Enjoying Being DINKS
I have to say that although I did envision myself having at least my first child before thirty, we are really enjoying being a “dual income no kids” couple.
Together, we make about $135,000/year, and while in Canada this isn’t as much as it would seem in the States (we’re taxed at a higher rate, and our housing costs are generally a lot more), it still gives us a nice cushion at the end of each month to save, invest, and spend.
We aren’t able to save at the rate we would like to. Over the past few years, we were saving up for a down payment on our home. Then, we were paying off my car. Now, we’re saving for a wedding. After we pay for the wedding, we’ll be saving for a vehicle for J.
If we threw kids into the mix any time soon, we wouldn’t be able to meet our financial goals. Furthermore, we wouldn’t be able to meet our goals for them.
Enjoying Each Other, Getting to Know Ourselves
We’re getting married in 2014, and we want to be able to enjoy being newlyweds for a couple of years. Building a strong marriage foundation is key for success in both marriage and child rearing.
I have read quite a few studies that show that people go through periods of great change in their mid twenties – more so than any other time period in life. I want to be sure that I know myself really well before I have to focus on somebody else. I’m pretty self aware, but I’m not going to pretend that I know all of my strengths and weaknesses just yet.
We want children; this isn’t going to change. Every year that goes by makes me want to prolong life without them for a little longer.
Ideally, we’ll time our children for a few years after we get married, after we’ve seen some more of the world and have amassed a comfortable net worth. We’ll see if it works out that way, though.
How about you? If you have kids, do you think they came at the right time in your life? If you don’t (but want them), when would be ideal for you to have them?
Peanut and I waited about two years before we had a baby, which seemed like a good amount of time to just be married (and move across the country and change jobs and buy a house and…everything else that happened during that time!). I don’t necessarily think there’s a “right” amount of time to wait after getting married, especially if the couple has been living together already.
I wasn’t concerned about infertility either, until it happened to me. It was a terrible blow. I was 30 when I got pregnant, but it turns out that I would have had problems conceiving at any age, and we’re not sure I’ll be able to do so again without interventions. I am very glad we didn’t wait any longer, not because of the fertility aspect of it but because the increased risk of health problems for mother and congenital defects for baby are very well documented in older women (and that’s age 36 – not “old” at all from where I sit now!).
Our financial goals were completely re-written with the birth of our daughter, but we’ve managed to do the big things like pay off our student loans and remain consumer debt free, and all on one income. That’s the #1 biggest thing I would recommend couples take into consideration instead of timing – regardless of the mother’s age, you absolutely cannot predict complications with the pregnancy or birth, and no one is guaranteed a healthy baby. It took a huge weight off our shoulders that I am able to stay home and care for our daughter while she is still a medically complex child, even though that was never the plan originally. If we needed two incomes to survive before her birth, I can’t see how we could possibly have managed afterwards.
I can only imagine what it must feel to find out you can’t have biological kids – even though I’ve always wanted to adopt, and I have a lot of family members who are adopted, it would still be sad to know that that door would be shut forever, or that it would be difficult to have kids biologically.
You’re right, there is an increased risk of health issues for both mother and child when you get pregnant later in life – though I wouldn’t call 30 later in life!
Other than you staying home, what was the biggest financial implication of having children that you noticed?
Without a doubt, health complications. It literally never occurred to me that our child might not be healthy at birth. Hospital stays (five months total so far), surgery, co-pays, prescriptions, weekly or monthly therapy – these things cost a lot of money. Much of Baby M’s care has been covered by insurance and state subsidies due to her health status (she is considered disabled because she is tube-dependent) but that will not always be the case – we’ll have to foot the entire bill in the near future. Unlike choosing whether to live in a high cost of living area or a low cost of living area, or even choosing what job to take and whether to ask for a raise, you cannot predict the health of your child and you have no choice but to seek out the best treatment available. Before getting pregnant I would get the absolute best insurance I could afford – the one with the lowest max out-of-pocket and most coverage in my area.
Also, you’ll hear that if you downsize one income, your expenses will go down as well (commute, business clothing, meals out) but we didn’t find that to be true. We already ate most of our meals at home and I didn’t need a fancy wardrobe for my job. Instead, we now have to heat the house all day because we’re home, so it was pretty much a wash in terms of expenses – we just lost the income. It was still surprising how much we haven’t missed it in terms of the essentials.
Babies are pretty cheap to have, generally. I can clothe her for an entire season for $100 (consignment sales), they don’t eat much (and if you breastfeed, it’s basically free) and we’ve got more toys and books than we can handle thanks to relatives. When she’s older I expect I will notice expenses other than medical stuff for her, but 14 months in, there aren’t that many.
My biggest concern is making our marriage very strong before we take on the challenge of procreation, which in my mind means being married for 5 years (together for 10). I’m not too worried about where we’ll be financially at that point, although maybe we’ll get gun-shy when the time comes if we aren’t doing well. I really resonated with “Every year that goes by makes me want to prolong life without them for a little longer.” I love our life together so much I don’t want to disrupt it at all! But I guess parents love their lives with kids – I can’t imagine things getting better than this but I suppose they will!
That’s very important to me, too. I mean, we have an incredibly strong relationship pre-marriage, so I’m sure we’ll continue that after we say “I do”, but it’s so important to have a good foundation before kids.
I love my life with my fiance, especially now that I’m out of school, we’re financially in a good position, and we can just enjoy our time together. How long until you hit your fifth year of marriage, Emily? Are you planning to start trying for a baby at that point?
We’ve been together for 11 years and didn’t bother with children. I didn’t want them and was vocal enough, when someone would tell me ‘it’s time’. At the beginning of 2013 we chatted and decided it’s time for us now to think about it. I got pregnant at the first try. Am 35 now and will have a daughter (exactly what I wanted). I don’t want more children, one will be enough, I want to have the time/patience/money to really care for her, we just hope he’ll be healthy and well. So far it’s all going great and in around 3 months it won’t be the two of us anymore.
I don’t think you should take the step because others say so. We traveled a lot (and will resume travels as soon as possible – we actually plan on taking her to a seaside resort when she’s 7 months old), are on a good financial place, we are a good couple etc. When you’re time is right, you’ll both know it 🙂
You didn’t want kids at all? Interesting. And then you ended up pregnant! But I guess people change their minds 🙂 I want daughters too, very cool that you got what you wanted!
We’re at 3.5 years this month. The good thing about the 5 year timing as my primary priority is that is goes pretty well with my secondary priorities – being out of grad school and turning 30. If my husband had his way we probably would have started trying already (he is very concerned about infertility), but with the prospect of us living apart in the next year I don’t think that’s prudent! I don’t even want to be pregnant living on my own, let alone with an infant. So I think we’ll start trying at 5 years as long as we’re living together. I’ve seen my peers have kids on grad student incomes so I’m fairly confident we’ll be OK financially if we both have post-PhD jobs, no matter what the salaries.
I should probably stop saying “5 years” when we hit 4 years so people kind of forget about that timing! I don’t want a bunch of questions about when we’re going to have kids if we’re having trouble conceiving/carrying a pregnancy. I don’t mind them for now because it’s all theoretical.
I think 5 years married is a good goal. I would hate to have to be a new parent all by myself. You want to share that special time with your significant other, and plus, it wouldn’t be very easy.
I’m kind of the same way. When I was in my teens I always imagined I’d have my first child at 25 at the latest, maybe even younger. I’d have 3 kids by the age of 30. But now that I’m almost 25 I think I’ll wait quite a while longer, maybe mid 30s? I have a lot I want to do before I have kids! I just need a niece or nephew to play with in the meantime 😉
Mid thirties is much older than I want to be when I start trying, but I understand why you’d want to wait that long. I know what you mean, I always wish my brother would settle down and have kids before me!
My husband and I have been together for 12 years, married for 8, and are just now thinking of the possibility of trying towards the end of next year. To put that into perspective, I’ll be 31 going onto 32 and we’re planning on starting. We may even aim to have 2. I think the timing is very personal.
Timing is definitely personal. I recall you didnt’ always want kids – am I wrong? I may be thinking about somebody else.
Every year that goes by makes me want to prolong life without them for a little longer.”
THIS.
T has made it clear he’s ready whenever, but I still don’t feel anywhere near ready, not to mention the finances! We’ve already been together 8 years, but we started young. I want to own a house first, and enjoy living in our own home alone for a year or two before a kid comes along, so realistically we’re talking another 5ish years.
How many kids does T want? It sounds like he’s not really pushing the issue, which is good. It sounds like five years is a magic number for a lot of people!
We were bombarded with the kids questions right after we got married (even at our wedding). I always knew I wouldn’t want to have kids until I was in a management position so I’m don’t foresee me having kids until early 30s? But I’m also really focused on my career right now so I don’t really know when we’ll want them. All I know is I definitely don’t want them now. I’m not done having fun being kid-free.