Discovering that a parent has stolen your identity is one of the most crushing financial betrayals imaginable. Putting the financial pieces back together will be easier than repairing the damage to your relationship.
Your parents should never deliberately hurt you, and you’re not wrong to feel angry and betrayed. B ut let’s first talk about how to rebuild your credit. Then, we’ll discuss how to re-establish trust with your parents — if that’s something you can realistically do.
How the Betrayal Gets Uncovered
According to research by the federal government, adult children often discover their parents’ identify theft when:
- Applying for a driver’s license. You might apply for a driver’s license only to discover that one of your parents has used your Social Security number to get a license. Some parents even accumulate traffic citations and DUIs using a child’s identity.
- Trying to open a bank account or credit card. You try to open a credit card or bank account only to discover that your credit is ruined.
- Receiving unexplained collections calls. You might receive a letter from a collections agency or phone calls about a charge you never made.
- Buying or renting a home. You can’t get a mortgage, or a potential landlord turns you down, because your credit is a disaster.
- Being threatened with arrest. In some cases, many of today’s law enforcement careers involve the investigation and prosecution of financial crime. An officer might issue a warrant for a financial crime that you never committed.
In some cases, parents try to re-establish their own lousy credit or get a driver’s license using their child’s identity. In many cases, kids with divorced parents discover that the non-custodial parent misused their Social Security numbers.
Fixing Your Credit
If you’re under 18 when you discover identity theft, the parent who didn’t betray you or another trusted family member will need to work on your behalf. Once you’re over 18, you’re responsible for sorting out your credit problems. Start by writing to each of the three credit bureaus (Experian, Equifax, and TransUnion) to report the ID theft and to put a freeze on future requests for credit. Also, call the police — even though it’s emotionally difficult — and file a report about what happened.
Once you’ve talked to the credit bureaus and the police, obtain a free credit report and see what accounts have been opened in your name. It’s tough to look at a report and see how much damage your parent did, but it’s important to know the truth. Then, contact each of the creditors and collection agencies to let them know about what happened. Ask the creditor to close or block your accounts while you work to resolve the problem. Many creditors will ask for a copy of your birth certificate to verify your age, so scan a copy so that you can email it, or make copies to mail or fax to your creditors. If you were under 18 when the credit account was opened, then you weren’t legally able to enter into a financial contract with the creditor.
When you talk to the credit bureaus and your creditors, keep a log including the name of the company you called, the name of the person you spoke to, the person’s title, and what was said during the call. Also, try to speak to people who have the title of fraud investigator or who work in the fraud department. If you’re completely overwhelmed, find an attorney through the National Association of Consumer Advocates.
Repairing the Relationship
If you had a good relationship with the parent who stole your identity, ask what happened and why. Listen to their story, and tell your mom or dad how much all of this has hurt or angered you. Go to a therapist together and try to work out your differences, and make it clear that such a betrayal can never happen again.
For most kids like you, the parent who steals your identity is a parent who’s hurt you before. It’s natural for you to feel like you have to be nice — it’s your parent, after all — but it’s OK for you to cut off contact until you’re ready to talk. If you’re never ready to talk to an unsafe parent, it’s okay to make that choice. Worry less about being nice and more about protecting yourself and your financial future.
