A couple of years ago, I was listening to the radio and the host was talking about people who didn’t know how much their partner made. He asked for some listeners to call in and weigh in on whether they knew how much their husband or wife made, or if they were blissfully unaware.
Surprisingly enough, a couple of people called in that had been married for YEARS and still didn’t know how much money their partner makes. Some of them didn’t even care. They said that as long as s/he contributed to the household bills, they weren’t concerned about not knowing.
I was taken aback. Who doesn’t know how much money their significant other makes? Even just a general idea; I’m not even talking about down to the last cent. But just a general idea?!
I understand that if you are not married yet, or if you just started dating and don’t live together. That makes sense. There is such a cultural taboo against talking about salaries that some people just don’t approach the subject. But one of these people had been married for 10 or 11 years. To the same person. She’d never known how much her husband made, and he didn’t know her salary either.
There are a few issues with this that I can see:
1. Trust
It’s possible that the couple’s secrecy is indicative of a trust issue in the marriage. If you can’t trust your partner to know how much you make, how can you trust them to fulfill other duties and obligations of marriage?
Perhaps the salary is embarrassingly low or maybe too high, and therefore the partner who is hiding it doesn’t want his or her spouse to wonder why he or she doesn’t have more saved.
2. Financial Well Being
Finances should have full disclosure in a partnership, for the most part, especially when you are married. It is important for both members of the couple to be able to work together to build a strong financial future together. That simply can’t be done if there is no salary disclosure.
For instance, if one of the partners got laid off , how would the couple be able to budget to make sure they could meet their bill requirements? What about if they had kids and one of the parents took some time off for maternity or paternity leave. How would that partner know that they could stay afloat?
This really baffles me. I’ve always known how much J makes and vice versa. He knows how much I make as well. We have common goals and while we each pay half of everything except for maybe date nights, we don’t have a common bank account. Even so, we both make it a priority to ensure we give each other full financial disclosure so we can work toward goals and dreams as a team.
Readers – do you know how much your partner makes – or ex partner – do your parents know how much each other make? Somebody try to explain this madness.
I don’t understand couples like this, but I always try to remember that what works for some couples doesn’t work for others. For us, we share 100% of our money (we’re married). We believe that we are strongest as a “unit”, rather than as two individuals. My husband doesn’t make a set salary like I do–he is 100% commission. Budgeting is tough for us, but we figured the best way to do it is to try to be able to afford the bills on just my salary. I manage most of the money, but I update him every few weeks on where we are with things. If you’re legally wed to someone, I think it could potentially put you in a bad situation if you don’t know where you and your spouse are financially.
With my ex-boyfriend who I lived with, I knew what he made, even though we didn’t have a joint account. I have a friend who works full-time and her husband is in school (and makes no money). He manages everything–she has absolutely no idea how much he has in student loans, how to pay the bills, or how much is in the checking/savings account. She just spends what he allows her to spend, without being up-to-date on the situation.
I guess that’s true. I just can’t wrap my head around how that would work for anyone, particularly people who are married or that are planning on ever having kids or having a house together.
If I didn’t know how much my spouse made it would drive me bananas. I’m the nerd in the family which sometimes is a problem too but that story is for another day. On husband’s payday I do the deposits, withdraws, budgeting, dispersing of funds and etc. It works perfectly fine for us that way. He knows how much I make as well but I don’t think it really matters to him if he knew or didn’t. I’m trying to include him more in the financial process for the just in case moments in life but it’s taking a little longer then expected for him to fully understand. To him as long as everything is going ok and he gets a little spending money then everything is fine and dandy.
Haha you are the family CFO!
Stopping by to say great post and I love the new look.
Thanks Matt!
I’m single now but exes and I have always shared the truth about our finances. If you’re in a situation where you’re both contributing to the same causes (aka rent, food, bills, or saving for something together) it doesn’t make sense why you wouldn’t share the details of your finances.
I know! This totally blew me away. I couldn’t be comfortable with boyfriend if I didnt know what he made, and vice versa.
Thanks for commenting on my blog!! I had to come over and comment on this post because it totally blows me away that people in long-term committed relationships wouldn’t discuss this! I wonder if these are couples where there is only one person working and the other is a stay-at-home mom/dad who just figures they never need to know as long as things are taken care of. Crazy pants!
My husband and I have our own checking accounts (although we do have a few joint accounts for savings, etc.) but nothing is secret. I have his bank password and he has mine. I remember having the “how much do you make” conversation about a year into our relationship when we were thinking about moving in together for the first time as BF and GF.
I’ve been in a relationship where I knew what my partner made and we kept our money together-shared-100%. “Whats mine is yours and yours is mine” kind of attitude. Then I had a more ‘Evolved’ relationship as I liked to think of it. I had my money, he had his, and we split bills. He didn’t know what I made, I didnt know what he made. Oh yes, we were evolved alright… and we evolved into a pile of shit because there was resentment. There were things he wanted to go do that I couldn’t afford but he didn’t know it because we didn’t talk about it. Weird.